As we join the extract, Chairman Gordon is handing out the script of his new "sex farce".
Gordon Sorry there wasn't time to get it typed up, but I'm sure we'll cope. There you go, Bernard.
Bernard I don't want one.
Gordon Yes you do, you're in it.
Bernard Hang on a minute! You're not getting me up on stage!
Gordon Why not?
Bernard I can't act, for a start!
Gordon You don't have to act, Bernard. Just do what the rest of us do.
Bernard No way.
Gordon Bernard, you've got to! I need four actors. Everybody else is playing three parts - you're just doing the butcher. If you don't do it, the whole thing's off.
Joyce Come on Bernard, you've done it before.
Bernard It's a bit bloody different playing the back end of a horse in a kid's panto - this is a speaking part.
Gordon Look, Bernard, I'm going to be brutally honest with you. If I'd got a choice between you and Dustin Hoffman, you wouldn't get the part. But I haven't. So you're doing it. End of argument. Right, let's go, everybody stand up. The first page is just my notes. So, take it from the top of page two, Margaret's entrance. Ready, Bernard?
Bernard I'm not in yet.
Gordon Yes you are. Top of page two.
Bernard Where?
Gordon Top of page two. Top of page two. Butcher. (Getting tenser) Top of page two!! Look, I know you're not an actor, Bernard, but I was hoping you could read.
Bernard (waving his script at Gordon) Look! Top of page two! No bloody butcher!
Gordon That's page three!
Bernard It's my page two!
Gordon What happened to page two?
Joyce I've got two page two's.
Gordon Aha!
Joyce But no page three.
Gordon Bernard, have you got two page three's?
Bernard No.
Margaret I've got two page three's.
Gordon Right.
Margaret But no page four.
Bernard I might be able to help you out there. I've got three of the buggers.
Gordon Joyce, you give Bernard your other page three...
Bernard I've already got a page three.
Gordon So what's the problem?
Bernard No bloody page two!
Gordon Who had two page two's?
Joyce Me.
Gordon Right, give them to Bernard.
Joyce Both of them?
Gordon No! Just one! Now, Margaret, give your other page three to Joyce. Bernard - give one of your page fours to Margaret. Everybody happy now?
Bernard I've still got too many page fours.
Gordon (taking the page, and screwing it up) Right. Let's go. Top of page two - Margaret's entrance. (The phone rings) Oh bloody hell! Start reading it through.
Exit Gordon.
Margaret Right, my entrance. Ready, Bernard?
Bernard I suppose so.
Margaret Right, er...Margaret enters...what am I carrying?
Bernard What?
Margaret It says Margaret enters carrying a something, I can't read his writing.
Bernard Er...carrying...a limp.
Margaret Oh, right. Which leg?
Bernard Why?
Margaret It's important to get the details of the character right, Bernard, you'll find this out.
Bernard It's just a read-through, it doesn't matter which leg.
Margaret The left, then.
Bernard If you like.
Margaret Or do you prefer the right?
Bernard No, I prefer the left, just get on with it.
Margaret (limping in dramatically) "Morning, Gerald!"
Bernard (incredibly woodenly) "Morning Mrs Duffield. What can I get you today?"
Margaret "I fancy a bit of rump."
Bernard (without expression) "Don't we all, Mrs Duffield, don't we all."
Margaret "Can I"...this is appalling...
Joyce Come on, don't break the flow.
Margaret "Can I have a look at your loins?"
Bernard "Anytime, Mrs Duffield. Just don't let your husband find out."
Margaret It's not exactly Chekhov, is it.
Joyce I think it's quite good! Carry on.
Margaret "You know, Gerald, my husband just doesn't realize how much meat has gone up."
Bernard "No, I bet he doesn't."
Margaret "Oh, you are saucy, Gerald." I'm sorry, I can't do this. No-one, but no-one, is going to buy tickets to see this garbage, and when Gordon comes back, I'm going to tell him so.
Enter Gordon.
Gordon There we go! Our first ticket sales. Fifteen seats for Saturday.
Joyce Fifteen! That's more than we've ever had in on one night!
Gordon I told you, Joyce, sex sells tickets.
Bernard Who was it?
Gordon The Lively Ladies Over Fifties Club.
Margaret You are joking?
Gordon No. Looks like Mrs Pimm is doing her job very effectively.
Margaret Do they know it's a sex comedy?
Gordon I think they're relying on the fact.
Margaret The dirty old sods!
Gordon More a case of nostalgia with them. Still, every ticket counts. Right, how are you getting on with the opening scene?
Joyce Well, Margaret thinks...
Margaret Actually, Gordon, I think we've cracked it. How's this? "Morning, Gerald!"
Bernard "Morning Mrs Duffield. What can I get you today?"
Gordon Hold it, hold it. Bernard, come on. You're a butcher. Do it...well, butcher. Butchers are loud, rosy-cheeked, vivacious.
Bernard Ours isn't. Ours is a surly old bugger.
Gordon Well, I think we can allow ourselves a bit of artistic license.
Margaret Bernard's artistic license expired years ago.
Bernard Right, stuff your script!
Gordon Bernard! Bernard, Bernard. Margaret didn't mean it - did you, Margaret?
Margaret If he wants to be an actor he's got to learn to take a little criticism.
Bernard I don't want to be an actor - remember? I'm a set builder.
Margaret It's a pity your sets aren't as wooden as your performances.
Bernard Bollocks!
Bernard storms out, and is brought back by Gordon.
Gordon Shut up, Margaret!! Well, it's nice to see the old team spirit is back with a vengeance. Now look, I'm the director, here. I'll hand out the criticism when it's due, and it will good, sound, constructive criticism, and we'll all take it in good heart, okay? Good. Right, now, Bernard, that was shite. Try it again. Put some life into it.
Bernard (the same wooden delivery as previously, but just a little louder) "Morning Mrs Duffield. What can I get you today?"
Gordon Better. Much better!
Margaret (dragging her left leg heavily) "I fancy a bit of rump."
Gordon Hold it. Margaret...
Margaret (touchily) You don't like the way I'm doing it. It's not an easy line to deliver, you know.
Gordon No, no, you're doing it fine. I just wondered what you'd done to your leg.
Margaret My leg?
Gordon Are you in pain?
Margaret I'm acting, Gordon. Just obeying stage directions. Margaret enters carrying a limp.
Gordon A lamp! Margaret enters carrying a lamp!
Margaret It's your bloody awful handwriting.
Gordon Look, I'm sorry, I haven't exactly had time to get the thing published.
Margaret So I'm carrying a lamp, not a limp.
Gordon Precisely.
Margaret All right, just as long as I know. These details are important, you know.
Gordon Right, can we get on?
Margaret Which hand do you want the lamp in?
Gordon Look, skip this scene. I'm getting bored with it. Move onto page four. Joyce, you're on.
Joyce Who am I playing?
Gordon You, Joyce, are playing you, Joyce.
Joyce Who?
Gordon You're playing yourself, Joyce.
Joyce (doubtful) Playing myself?
Gordon Yes.
Joyce Me?
Gordon Well, I thought you were the obvious one for the part.
Joyce Oh. I'm not sure I can play myself.
Gordon You're the right height. You've got the accent off to a tee - what's the problem here? Just be yourself.
Joyce And do what?
Gordon Ah! It came to me in a flash of inspiration. You want to do a song, right?
Joyce Yes.
Gordon But this isn't a musical, it's a farce.
Bernard You can say that again.
Gordon So I thought, how can I get a song into a farce? Then, it hit me.
Joyce What?
Gordon You're playing you, practising for the forthcoming production of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers - so you get to do a song from the show!
Joyce We're doing Seven Brides For Seven Brothers after all?
Gordon No, Joyce, watch my lips. My play, is a play about an Amateur Dramatic Society, with you in it, performing a musical.
Joyce Us, you mean?
Gordon Yes, us, if you like, but it could be someone else.
Joyce Are we doing the musical or not!
Gordon No!! We're pretending to do it! It's a play! You're in a play, about a play. No?
Joyce No.
Gordon Never mind. Just read the words on the script. Page four.
Joyce Where do I stand?
Gordon You don't stand. You lie down. You're in the bath.
Joyce The bath?
Gordon What better place to rehearse the song?
Joyce With no clothes on?
Gordon We'll cover you with bubbles.
Joyce I'm not taking my clothes off.
Gordon You can wear a bikini. You'll be covered in bubbles.
Joyce With my thighs? I'm not wearing a bikini.
Gordon All right, fine. You can wear a bloody duffle coat. I don't give a damn. Just don't put the hood up. Right, you're in the bath, singing away, one of the big rousing numbers from Seven Brides, and I come bursting in.
Joyce Who are you?
Gordon I'm the vicar.
Joyce What's the vicar doing in my bathroom?
Gordon He hears you singing, and thinks you're calling for help.
Joyce What's he doing in my house?
Gordon Look, I'm not going to stand here and explain all the plot. You'll have to pick it up as we go along.
Margaret It's a bit tricky when you keep skipping pages.
Gordon You were taking too long.
Margaret We'd have been halfway through now if you'd let me carry on.
The phone rings.
Bernard I'll get it.
Exit Bernard.
Gordon All right, all right. Let's just crack on. Joyce, start singing.
Joyce What?
Gordon Anything. You're in the bath - sing! (She does) Good. Right, now I come bursting in and say (he checks his script) Oh, shit!
Margaret That's a bit strong for a vicar.
Gordon I haven't got a page four. (Margaret rescues the crumpled page four from the floor, and hands it to him) Thanks. Right, I burst in and say "Are you all right? Oops! Mrs Pilkington, I'm so sorry, I never, I...I..., well I never!" (Joyce, oblivious, is still singing) Joyce...Joyce! Shut up! Script!
Joyce Oh, right. (Pause) Now?
Gordon Yes, now, Joyce, before one of us dies.
Joyce "Oh! Vicar! It's you!"
Gordon "Yes! I could have sworn I heard a cry for help."
Joyce "I was just rehearsing for the forthcoming show!"
Gordon "I'm terribly sorry, I...I, well, I think I'd better leave!"
Joyce "Yes, I think that would be best."
Gordon "Right, then, I'll leave, then.
Joyce "Right!"
Margaret Cracking stuff. Is this in iambic pentameter?
Gordon Shut up. You're on.
Margaret I am?
Gordon Mrs Stodgeworthy.
Margaret Oh, right. "Mrs Pilkington, are you all...arrgh! Vicar!"
Gordon "Why, Mrs Stodgeworthy! I...I...well I was just...
Margaret "I can see what you were doing, vicar!"
Gordon "No, no, you've got it all wrong, I just came to have a look....I mean...I just came to lend a hand...I mean, she was just rehearsing..."
Margaret "Spare me the sordid details!"
Gordon Great. Then you storm out, and return a few seconds later to say...
Margaret "The bishop will hear about this!"
Gordon Terrific! What do you think, Bernard?
Bernard (entering) I think it's the biggest load of crap I've ever seen in my life.
Gordon (hurt) Thank you.
Bernard But it's just sold another thirty-five tickets for Saturday night.
Joyce Thirty-five?!
Bernard A block-booking from the Young Farmer's Club. I think we're in business!
Gordon Sorry there wasn't time to get it typed up, but I'm sure we'll cope. There you go, Bernard.
Bernard I don't want one.
Gordon Yes you do, you're in it.
Bernard Hang on a minute! You're not getting me up on stage!
Gordon Why not?
Bernard I can't act, for a start!
Gordon You don't have to act, Bernard. Just do what the rest of us do.
Bernard No way.
Gordon Bernard, you've got to! I need four actors. Everybody else is playing three parts - you're just doing the butcher. If you don't do it, the whole thing's off.
Joyce Come on Bernard, you've done it before.
Bernard It's a bit bloody different playing the back end of a horse in a kid's panto - this is a speaking part.
Gordon Look, Bernard, I'm going to be brutally honest with you. If I'd got a choice between you and Dustin Hoffman, you wouldn't get the part. But I haven't. So you're doing it. End of argument. Right, let's go, everybody stand up. The first page is just my notes. So, take it from the top of page two, Margaret's entrance. Ready, Bernard?
Bernard I'm not in yet.
Gordon Yes you are. Top of page two.
Bernard Where?
Gordon Top of page two. Top of page two. Butcher. (Getting tenser) Top of page two!! Look, I know you're not an actor, Bernard, but I was hoping you could read.
Bernard (waving his script at Gordon) Look! Top of page two! No bloody butcher!
Gordon That's page three!
Bernard It's my page two!
Gordon What happened to page two?
Joyce I've got two page two's.
Gordon Aha!
Joyce But no page three.
Gordon Bernard, have you got two page three's?
Bernard No.
Margaret I've got two page three's.
Gordon Right.
Margaret But no page four.
Bernard I might be able to help you out there. I've got three of the buggers.
Gordon Joyce, you give Bernard your other page three...
Bernard I've already got a page three.
Gordon So what's the problem?
Bernard No bloody page two!
Gordon Who had two page two's?
Joyce Me.
Gordon Right, give them to Bernard.
Joyce Both of them?
Gordon No! Just one! Now, Margaret, give your other page three to Joyce. Bernard - give one of your page fours to Margaret. Everybody happy now?
Bernard I've still got too many page fours.
Gordon (taking the page, and screwing it up) Right. Let's go. Top of page two - Margaret's entrance. (The phone rings) Oh bloody hell! Start reading it through.
Exit Gordon.
Margaret Right, my entrance. Ready, Bernard?
Bernard I suppose so.
Margaret Right, er...Margaret enters...what am I carrying?
Bernard What?
Margaret It says Margaret enters carrying a something, I can't read his writing.
Bernard Er...carrying...a limp.
Margaret Oh, right. Which leg?
Bernard Why?
Margaret It's important to get the details of the character right, Bernard, you'll find this out.
Bernard It's just a read-through, it doesn't matter which leg.
Margaret The left, then.
Bernard If you like.
Margaret Or do you prefer the right?
Bernard No, I prefer the left, just get on with it.
Margaret (limping in dramatically) "Morning, Gerald!"
Bernard (incredibly woodenly) "Morning Mrs Duffield. What can I get you today?"
Margaret "I fancy a bit of rump."
Bernard (without expression) "Don't we all, Mrs Duffield, don't we all."
Margaret "Can I"...this is appalling...
Joyce Come on, don't break the flow.
Margaret "Can I have a look at your loins?"
Bernard "Anytime, Mrs Duffield. Just don't let your husband find out."
Margaret It's not exactly Chekhov, is it.
Joyce I think it's quite good! Carry on.
Margaret "You know, Gerald, my husband just doesn't realize how much meat has gone up."
Bernard "No, I bet he doesn't."
Margaret "Oh, you are saucy, Gerald." I'm sorry, I can't do this. No-one, but no-one, is going to buy tickets to see this garbage, and when Gordon comes back, I'm going to tell him so.
Enter Gordon.
Gordon There we go! Our first ticket sales. Fifteen seats for Saturday.
Joyce Fifteen! That's more than we've ever had in on one night!
Gordon I told you, Joyce, sex sells tickets.
Bernard Who was it?
Gordon The Lively Ladies Over Fifties Club.
Margaret You are joking?
Gordon No. Looks like Mrs Pimm is doing her job very effectively.
Margaret Do they know it's a sex comedy?
Gordon I think they're relying on the fact.
Margaret The dirty old sods!
Gordon More a case of nostalgia with them. Still, every ticket counts. Right, how are you getting on with the opening scene?
Joyce Well, Margaret thinks...
Margaret Actually, Gordon, I think we've cracked it. How's this? "Morning, Gerald!"
Bernard "Morning Mrs Duffield. What can I get you today?"
Gordon Hold it, hold it. Bernard, come on. You're a butcher. Do it...well, butcher. Butchers are loud, rosy-cheeked, vivacious.
Bernard Ours isn't. Ours is a surly old bugger.
Gordon Well, I think we can allow ourselves a bit of artistic license.
Margaret Bernard's artistic license expired years ago.
Bernard Right, stuff your script!
Gordon Bernard! Bernard, Bernard. Margaret didn't mean it - did you, Margaret?
Margaret If he wants to be an actor he's got to learn to take a little criticism.
Bernard I don't want to be an actor - remember? I'm a set builder.
Margaret It's a pity your sets aren't as wooden as your performances.
Bernard Bollocks!
Bernard storms out, and is brought back by Gordon.
Gordon Shut up, Margaret!! Well, it's nice to see the old team spirit is back with a vengeance. Now look, I'm the director, here. I'll hand out the criticism when it's due, and it will good, sound, constructive criticism, and we'll all take it in good heart, okay? Good. Right, now, Bernard, that was shite. Try it again. Put some life into it.
Bernard (the same wooden delivery as previously, but just a little louder) "Morning Mrs Duffield. What can I get you today?"
Gordon Better. Much better!
Margaret (dragging her left leg heavily) "I fancy a bit of rump."
Gordon Hold it. Margaret...
Margaret (touchily) You don't like the way I'm doing it. It's not an easy line to deliver, you know.
Gordon No, no, you're doing it fine. I just wondered what you'd done to your leg.
Margaret My leg?
Gordon Are you in pain?
Margaret I'm acting, Gordon. Just obeying stage directions. Margaret enters carrying a limp.
Gordon A lamp! Margaret enters carrying a lamp!
Margaret It's your bloody awful handwriting.
Gordon Look, I'm sorry, I haven't exactly had time to get the thing published.
Margaret So I'm carrying a lamp, not a limp.
Gordon Precisely.
Margaret All right, just as long as I know. These details are important, you know.
Gordon Right, can we get on?
Margaret Which hand do you want the lamp in?
Gordon Look, skip this scene. I'm getting bored with it. Move onto page four. Joyce, you're on.
Joyce Who am I playing?
Gordon You, Joyce, are playing you, Joyce.
Joyce Who?
Gordon You're playing yourself, Joyce.
Joyce (doubtful) Playing myself?
Gordon Yes.
Joyce Me?
Gordon Well, I thought you were the obvious one for the part.
Joyce Oh. I'm not sure I can play myself.
Gordon You're the right height. You've got the accent off to a tee - what's the problem here? Just be yourself.
Joyce And do what?
Gordon Ah! It came to me in a flash of inspiration. You want to do a song, right?
Joyce Yes.
Gordon But this isn't a musical, it's a farce.
Bernard You can say that again.
Gordon So I thought, how can I get a song into a farce? Then, it hit me.
Joyce What?
Gordon You're playing you, practising for the forthcoming production of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers - so you get to do a song from the show!
Joyce We're doing Seven Brides For Seven Brothers after all?
Gordon No, Joyce, watch my lips. My play, is a play about an Amateur Dramatic Society, with you in it, performing a musical.
Joyce Us, you mean?
Gordon Yes, us, if you like, but it could be someone else.
Joyce Are we doing the musical or not!
Gordon No!! We're pretending to do it! It's a play! You're in a play, about a play. No?
Joyce No.
Gordon Never mind. Just read the words on the script. Page four.
Joyce Where do I stand?
Gordon You don't stand. You lie down. You're in the bath.
Joyce The bath?
Gordon What better place to rehearse the song?
Joyce With no clothes on?
Gordon We'll cover you with bubbles.
Joyce I'm not taking my clothes off.
Gordon You can wear a bikini. You'll be covered in bubbles.
Joyce With my thighs? I'm not wearing a bikini.
Gordon All right, fine. You can wear a bloody duffle coat. I don't give a damn. Just don't put the hood up. Right, you're in the bath, singing away, one of the big rousing numbers from Seven Brides, and I come bursting in.
Joyce Who are you?
Gordon I'm the vicar.
Joyce What's the vicar doing in my bathroom?
Gordon He hears you singing, and thinks you're calling for help.
Joyce What's he doing in my house?
Gordon Look, I'm not going to stand here and explain all the plot. You'll have to pick it up as we go along.
Margaret It's a bit tricky when you keep skipping pages.
Gordon You were taking too long.
Margaret We'd have been halfway through now if you'd let me carry on.
The phone rings.
Bernard I'll get it.
Exit Bernard.
Gordon All right, all right. Let's just crack on. Joyce, start singing.
Joyce What?
Gordon Anything. You're in the bath - sing! (She does) Good. Right, now I come bursting in and say (he checks his script) Oh, shit!
Margaret That's a bit strong for a vicar.
Gordon I haven't got a page four. (Margaret rescues the crumpled page four from the floor, and hands it to him) Thanks. Right, I burst in and say "Are you all right? Oops! Mrs Pilkington, I'm so sorry, I never, I...I..., well I never!" (Joyce, oblivious, is still singing) Joyce...Joyce! Shut up! Script!
Joyce Oh, right. (Pause) Now?
Gordon Yes, now, Joyce, before one of us dies.
Joyce "Oh! Vicar! It's you!"
Gordon "Yes! I could have sworn I heard a cry for help."
Joyce "I was just rehearsing for the forthcoming show!"
Gordon "I'm terribly sorry, I...I, well, I think I'd better leave!"
Joyce "Yes, I think that would be best."
Gordon "Right, then, I'll leave, then.
Joyce "Right!"
Margaret Cracking stuff. Is this in iambic pentameter?
Gordon Shut up. You're on.
Margaret I am?
Gordon Mrs Stodgeworthy.
Margaret Oh, right. "Mrs Pilkington, are you all...arrgh! Vicar!"
Gordon "Why, Mrs Stodgeworthy! I...I...well I was just...
Margaret "I can see what you were doing, vicar!"
Gordon "No, no, you've got it all wrong, I just came to have a look....I mean...I just came to lend a hand...I mean, she was just rehearsing..."
Margaret "Spare me the sordid details!"
Gordon Great. Then you storm out, and return a few seconds later to say...
Margaret "The bishop will hear about this!"
Gordon Terrific! What do you think, Bernard?
Bernard (entering) I think it's the biggest load of crap I've ever seen in my life.
Gordon (hurt) Thank you.
Bernard But it's just sold another thirty-five tickets for Saturday night.
Joyce Thirty-five?!
Bernard A block-booking from the Young Farmer's Club. I think we're in business!